THAT EXTRA HALF AN INCH IV: HOW TO BE LOVED BY A LUO MAN

HOW TO BE LOVED BY A LUO MAN
It is the month of love and of
course the month of my birth and Valentine’s Day must be addressed. Allow me to
do things differently from my  Dear Boyfriend post last year. This is that feature where I
download all madness going through my mind similar to this and this.
I will start with I don’t date
Luo men.
These are my boys seeing as I am
Luo but I will take any other tribe any day. Being loved by a luo man is
difficult. They never take NO for an answer! Some women find this attractive of
course but you can only have so much of it before it gets annoying. Take this
for example the only man who will ask for your number in a busy public transport
vehicle is probably a Luo. There is something about being hit on in a matatu!
Everyone is following the conversation keenly pretending not to be listening
and laughing at every effort made to impress you. Just wait until he says
something dumb and everyone bursts out laughing. Luo men are not shy they are
vicious. No amount of ignoring will dissuade him once you are his target he
would rather pull those earphones out of your ears.  Don’t be surprised if he gets angry when you
turn down his advances. His ego cannot be severed not in public.
So fine you give in and give your
number and cross your fingers he forgets about it.
Fat chance!
He will call you not text that
very same evening. This does not seem so bad until he starts calling you every
night for five hours. I love that end of the day phone call because its sweet
and it means he is thinking about you but do not be fooled; he will also start
calling you first thing in the morning. Why does this seem so bad now? Hmmm I
guess it’s because he is texting you every minute of the day and sending
messages that you cannot exactly reply. ‘You are beautiful’…. Thank you. ‘I
cannot believe you are so beautiful.’…. Errr neither can I?!(I mean honestly
what should I say?) It does not stop he will describe how beautiful and amazing
you are in a ten page texts half of which you do not understand and honestly
take so long to go through you will likely get a migraine after a full day of
reading. Onl luo men can tell you the same thing over and over in so many
words, creativity is innate. There is a reason the SMS acronym was for short
message service plus you can only say thank you so many times. Flattery is good
but just in small doses thank you. 
So you get tired of being told
you are beautiful. Yes this happens; even vanity has its limits. You decide to
stop replying to his text messages; at this point you are asking yourself how
does he get any work done? BIG MISTAKE! You never not answer texts from a Luo
man, NEVER. In fact you do not delay in replying to his texts. You know how
sometimes you are multitasking; chat and eating, doing nails or whatever. When
you are being courted by a luo man chatting with him becomes a fulltime gig.
You cannot breath before you have replied to his text, you cannot eat, throw
your phone in your purse to walk across town anything. Who is it you are
speaking to if not him? If you take ten seconds late he will text, ‘HELLOOOOOO…
Are you still there?’ two more minutes and he will send you airtime to reply to
his text and one minute after he will call to ensure you reply. Honey you
signed up for this so get with the program!
When he finally sort of wears you
out and you decide to pursue the engagement is when the real test begins. One
thing about us is that we are very vain; the term ‘Ujaluo utakuua’ was coined
for good measure. Like cars, gadgets and all things luo have to be the very
best.  Luo men love beautiful women; they
will only date beautiful women. This has everything to do with the fact that
they are not the best looking men. As a woman dating a luo man you will need to
keep up appearances. Luo men are very fashion forward I know this because
growing up my dad has always slayed the style department. There is this one
dress in my mum’s closet that he got her that is to die for! Also I cannot
count the number of times he has suggested I shave off my hair because it was
untidy. A luo man takes responsibility of the way his woman looks. It is a
complement to him when he is out with her and she is the most beautiful woman
in the room. He wants everyone to admire his woman because his pride will not
let him appear in public with anything less than the best.
This is fun the first few times
when he takes you shopping and gives you money to do your hair every three
weeks or when he notices your hair every time you get it done. (Only a luo man
will tell you what your last three hairstyles have been accurately) He will
tell you he will love you even if you wore sackcloth until you try. Case in
point many years back in Kampala at Makerere University during an evening
stroll with my parents a Marabou Stork let out on my mum’s hair. Guess who was
first to escape the scene of crime… you’re right! I guess for better or worse
does not cover bird poo situations. At least he gave us a hanky to sort it out.
They say Luo is the most romantic
language. True!
To find a luo man who is not
blessed with a silver tongue is like looking for an Indian who cannot sing. I
must admit being flirtatious is synonymous with being luo; male or female it is
in our blood. How many people are privy to this romantic conversation though? If
there is anything that will finish luo men it is their love for women. The
thing about Luo men is that you are definitely not the ONLY ONE! Remember those
text messages full of flattery, the wining and dining, paying close attention,
getting dressed to the nines and the Presidential Suite at Villa Rosa
Kempinski. Listen those sweet nothings he is whispering in your ear, he is saying something equally lethal to another. Like you she thinks
she’s the only one and has no idea you exist and get this the two of you might
not be the only ONE’s. Luos are so good at their game you will only discover
the existence of several other women when he passes on and suddenly his
clansmen introduce your co-wife. Polygamy is clearly cultural just look at our
ethnic history or ask the next South Sudanese you see we share a common
ancestry.
Our men are special they love
fiercely but not singularly, the love extravagantly but always selfishly, they
love their women like they love their cars classy, fine and expensive. Don’t shy
away from them though, they may not be my cup of tea but they are still worth
something. Have you seen the invoice belonging to one Spencer Okach who just
paid for the Presidential Suite at Kempinski…that will be the most popular luo
this weekend after Baba.
Do share your experience about
being loved by a luo man or any man really… it is after all the month of love! And
also click here and vote for me to be the face of Maybelline.
Kisses