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THAT EXTRA HALF AN INCH: CERTIFIED BACHELOR

My name is Grace and I have an
imaginary Bae.
There are things living alone
does to you…especially if you are like me with no other form of entertainment
but myself. Just in case you planned on robbing me I am sorry to disappoint you
I but do not own a TV or Radio; the most electronic thing I have is my kettle!
Life is simple and complicated, meet Bae…my companion for about three months
now. I talk to him loudly even in public; go on long romantic walks; laugh at
private jokes; nudge him when he says something particularly funny, fake sulk
when he teases me and even fight and make up. Bae is witty and charming and
knows just the right amount of flattery to keep me hooked. The problem is he
does not exist; well he really is just shy and doesn’t like to talk to other
people but me. These are the lengths I have gone to preserve my sanity, talking
to Bae.
The journey in undertaking my
postgraduate diploma has been many things so far. The experience of living
alone in a completely new neighborhood has taught me lessons I may not have
learnt if I chose to live in a hostel or at home. First, do not take it for
granted that you have sun because hell must have frozen over and relocated to
Karen! They do not tell you this when you first move here. I could barely fall
asleep on my first night. In January, Nairobi is hot and wearing clothing to
bed, even pajamas, is optional at least in my books. I had to make two trips
home to get duvets because one was not enough and I was close to sleeping in everything
I owned. Secondly, THE DUST… permanent residents of Karen need to realize that
not everyone here is a horse or driving luxury vehicles like they do! All those
KSL students living in the The Republic (you know which one) that partake in the great trek to and from Park Place should sue for shoe polish or something…LEGZUS is our
assumed mode of transport for the moment. I cannot even enjoy my romantic walks
with Bae because of how much dust we have to endure.
Thirdly, I am beginning to
question the price of land in this affluent neighborhood because a more
permanent resident of Karen is mosquitoes. My first action as an advocate will probably
be to file a suit against the company that manufactures MORTEIN DOOM for false
advertisement! Do they know how stupid I look after 2-12 hours of plugging that
stupid repellant thing to the wall and yet mosquitoes still twerk around my
face? I even thought I have been using it wrongly and reread instructions. This
happens every day so much so I am entitled to a refund. If you are unhappy with
any of the products by this company please leave a comment down below I need
the numbers to prove my case. Another company I might sue is Brookside Dairy…is
that milk or water you sell to consumers?!
My biggest challenge however has
been feeding myself. 
When you live at home with other human company plus the
help it is easy to take these things for granted. My sister bet I would starve
to death within the first month, she is probably right. What she does not know
is that I am currently on a feeding program with two neighbors. What this
basically means is that we cook in turns. It does not come without its faults
the major one being that it is a silent system and none of us have officially
signed up. I must be the biggest sufferer in all this though. Yesterday I had
chicken soup and biscuits for supper because Ricky (one of my neighbors)
refused to share his rice. The truth is that there was heavy downpour and I
could not get to his house and he did not think I am worth braving the rain
for. Chivalry is dead people. Dead and gone. I have no idea what Bella even ate on account of the rain. Or the other
night when Ricky traveled and Bella had a dinner date and she forgot to drop
off some eggs for me. Popcorn have never been tastier…
Forget those Instagram
shenanigans those are the good days.
Of course from this living alone
I have learned and can probably write a book on: 101 Ways to Make Spaghetti less Boring or 1000 Ways You
Never Thought You Could Cook Rice
. My ingenuity knows no limits.  I also get the occasional thrill from buying sukuma
wiki at 6:59 p.m. when the lady who sells them closes at 7:00 p.m. I’m all
about living dangerously on the edge! Until you eat cereal and juice for dinner
will you appreciate and put love when you have to cook for more persons than
just yourself.
The best lesson I think I have
learned so far is the art of being an accountant and shrewd debt collector. In
fact I do not even loan my friends money any more. I keep all my receipts and
maintain a strict budget (unless it involves clothes, shoes and make-up then
BUDGET BE DAMNED!). The twenty shillings I leave with you could be the
difference between me and my sukuma wiki that night. Bae at this point is just
dead beat and eats all my food without contributing a single cent. I cannot
wait to pass this lesson to my nephew and give him the money does not grow on
trees speech. That and expect him to live true to ‘Ujaluo utakuuwa’ syndrome,
of course if he is like his aunt then he will learn to stretch the budget and
make it work without breaking a sweat.
I would love to hear from you
your experience from when you first moved out, don’t be shy leave a comment
below.