I came across this article published in 2016 on Potentash about the woes of dating women between 25 and 30 years. This is the first thing that has pushed me out of my writers block and inspired me to pen something in months. The thing about this article is that it is full of truths, truths and then half truths and will probably still be relevant to young women ten years from now.
Quarter-life it has been dubbed and rightfully so. You just proper finished Uni and probably also have a post-grad under your belt. New job, you are settling in well, salary is not too bad you get benefits and a pension. No this is not the practice run internship you did for three months, this is the real deal. You actually have to earn your keep.
True! Image is everything and you refuse to spare any expense. A woman is indeed a flower and only those flowers with pollen attract bees. Either way it is your money, YOU worked hard to earn every single cent. The world is now your playground and boy oh boy are you ready to volunteer as tribute.
You also for the first time in your life have new resources to add to your basket – TIME & INCOME. Time is exactly what you need to play these games. For once you have no exams looming over your head, no unfinished assignments or group discussions with human beings that should be crucified for causing you more pain than is necessary in your life.
Suddenly you wake up with more freedom than you know what to do with. If you’ve lived at home your entire life you literally have a new lease on life. You have the luxury to speak up and demand that the respect accorded to your parents is returned. The good book did say that only ‘Children’ should obey their parents and you Constitutionally are no child…
Unlike your brother who was emancipated at age 12 you can now join in the debauchery of the night without fear. In fact you are daring them (your parents) to kick you out because you did not return the previous night. Your chest is swollen and that threat that certain things are banned “under my roof” does not scare you as much as it did five years ago. If anything you can leave any day now without notice.
Like your ego, ambition is at its peak. You tear set goals and attack them with more vigour than is on a rugby pitch. Your mind is focused on getting your shit together and your eyes are screwed on the prize. When your blood is boiling like this you attract many older gentlemen.
Men with more sophisticated tastes that have lived and learned. Watching your eyes burn with passion rekindles the flame of their virile youth and they often watch great admiration, fascination and sometimes just pure lust. If they can just lick some of that passion. They have no intention to tame you instead they want to be swept up in the wave. To ride the tide until it gets to the shore.
Youngins steer clear of your path because they cannot find where it is exactly that they fit in your plan and are too impatient to stick around and find out.
When you’re 25 the shapes of your conversations are changing. You start to realize that wherever you are headed not everyone can come. While it was easy to convince a whole crowd of people to skip class and smoke weed behind the lecture hall it is harder to get the same people to commit to worthwhile investments.
You are more comfortable with decisions made by you for you and seek less approval from others. You know when not to talk about your aspirations because not everyone can handle your dreams. The concept of ‘make silent moves’ appeals to you more than anything and you celebrate all the small wins.
25 is when you learn to hold your tongue and let your friends learn from their mistakes as well as be happy and content when there are small wins. Jealousy is a thing of the past and you have come to accept that all good things come to those who wait.
So what if you do not want to go public about the person you are dating! Relationships these days don’t last any longer than Safaricom data so ours are definitely not worth any of your data. Frankly how many men can you introduce to your African parents as your boyfriend before bringing home the proverbial “one”? In the same breathe how many Baes should be #RelationshipGoals on your Instagram feed before you. meet #LOML (LOVE OF MY LIFE).
If I could narrate the escapades of my dating life I would have a bestseller on my hands. No wait actually, just subscribe to my YOUTUBE CHANNEL I will be documenting it all on there. (First story time when I get to 500 subscribers so get everyone to subscribe…)
Pardon me if I am averse to commitment
Where do I even begin… the story of an ex who married a friend and with whom he now has a beautiful child; or about being stood up for dates over and over; or the one that changed his number and then moved out of the country or will it be this one that I narrated here about the man that broke me down to my last...
Every interaction good and bad in my life has been a lesson that I will always carry with me. In some instances I have learned to walk away from idiotic situations and pay no mind to it; in others I’ve learned that no matter how good a man is and that even if he loves you with all his heart but you do not feel the same way set him free let him find the one who can return his feelings; many times you will love and not be loved in return it cuts deep; other times it will be unbelievable, surreal, deep dive into the pool of love and then just as fast the pool will be empty and you will hit your head hard on the floor.
This perhaps has been the hardest lesson of being single learning that pain demands to be felt. Heartbreaks will always rip your heart from your chest and you will walk around empty until one day you wake up and it is just an unpleasant memory. But guess what somehow you will live!!!
There is no shortage of men. In fact there are all kinds of men good ones, bad ones, short ones, tall ones the list does not end. Granted in every woman’s chat there is a rotation of at least 7 men and these are some of the perks of leading a singular life. These are the highs of being single…choices
Photos of engagements and baby showers make rounds in WhatsApp groups and while we coo and swoon at diamonds and babies truthfully us girls are happy to rush home to our novels, beds and K-drama. We ask each other excitedly whose next but deep down it is like a game of Russian Roulette nobody really wants to bite the bullet.
Not now, not when you just met a 40 something year old Cape Verdean man whose pheromones set fire to every bone in your body just by existing; or the fact that Omarion will be performing in a couple of days and the distance between your bodies can be significantly reduced and who knows where that will go; or that you have three Tinder dates lined up every day during Nairobi Burger Festival. It’s all about your choices.
The way I see if you are open to choices take them, have fun and learn something new about yourself. Try not to judge anyone for wanting to sample a little bit of everything before choose their poison. If you can sample at an ice-cream shop why can’t I can’t I get away with it in my dating life (tongue in cheek). I will be the one who solely has to live with my decision surely I must have the right to pick the best for myself.
The highs are really high and the lows are equally intoxicating. Loneliness is the truest test of ones resolve. It creeps up on you when you least expect and drags you to the edge of your constraint. There are days when letting your fingers do the walking cannot save you from disgrace. And we do slip and call. And beg and cry. And say things we do not mean to people that should not hear them.
But no sin is too great that it cannot be forgiven.
Single life has taught me not to settle for less. And while I am not afraid of walking out of any situation for any and every reason I know when I need to stay for the right reasons.
There are two dictionary meanings to this word: Free from outside control and Not reliant on another for livelihood or subsistence. Frankly at 25 I believe I am still working towards financial independence.
I cannot say the majority of ladies my age are completely independent but they can at least hold their own. I am patient with my journey and I hope everyone else is as well. I acknowledge for my sake and those of you in your twenties reading this that it is a bumpy ride and definitely one full of lessons.
The thing about this limbo independence stage is that it brings out different types of women in us.
I am laughing cheekily at this point because honestly how do I put it without being stoned for revealing the secrets of the inner circle of highly secretive women? (LOL)
Women have two moods, I will try and break it down but I really don’t see this ending well.
Some days we wake up and just want to spend someone else’s money!
I have my own money it might be more than yours but I simply do not wish to spend it. Period no explanation needed. On any other day we might be offended if someone handed us wads of cash or a credit card but on these days swiping our own cards is beyond the allowed physical exercise limit.
If you are a man and you only meet this girl on such days then perhaps you my friend are in her life because you fulfil a very specific role. I delve into categories of men in a woman’s life in this video:
On the regular an independent woman will likely be pre-occupied with her career, business and goals. Which leads us to the second mood
The got no time for nonsense independent woman.
This is the woman who will walk into a room and you instantly feel her presence. She will do her own things in her own time and if you try to cause trouble she has no trouble cutting you from her life. She is gifted with the resting bitch face; one side-eye and you will feel the grim ripper touch your soul. She is the type of woman who gives you a sense of ‘I could be in better places so don’t waste my time with nonsense and cut to the chase!’ Basically in millennial slang she is a #LadyBoss #BossBitch
When a woman is in such a mood where you will be placed in terms of priority is solely reliant on your behaviour.
To each her own.
On this great path to independence however, I recommend that ladies practice healthy fulfilling lifestyles with no regrets. Chase your dreams, work hard and live within your means. And to all the older ladies reading this; Mentor us not so youngins. God knows we need guidance.
As usual I appreciate your thoughts. Leave a comment or just share.