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THE DM CHEAT SHEET TO MY HEART

The thing about smoke is that it fills up a room takes up all the clean air, chokes your lungs, stings your eyes but when you reach out to to touch it with your hands it is not tangible. The same can be said about sliding into the DMs, like smoke most of these online interactions are annoying and stand no chance beyond the very first Hi. In a world where majority of our time is spent hunched over our devices interacting with strangers on the interwebs it is unlikely that we will find our mates anywhere else but but this very social media.

I’ll admit that I form part of the large numbers of keyboard warriors that have initiated many a conversation online via direct message for whatever reason. Usually it is over a mutually beneficial topic like fashion, shopping, events and general chatter. Trust me when I say I am an authority when it comes to this. After all I do have 8+ years of Facebook experience and 6 years in the single-life/dating scene plus I spend a significant part of my day engaging with, ignoring and or blocking chaps on direct message. Occupational hazard!
Before you write me off as being conceited, remember I am only contributing my share of digital bravado to the universe. And like I said before, I am an authority so when I tell you that where there is smoke then there is definitely a fire! Just so you know I have actually gone on dates with people that slid in my DMs and may or may not have pursued a relationship with one of those. Didn’t go past a month but hey if it happened for me it could work out for you too…
You have to understand that these flames can only thrive where there is oxygen. So here goes your cheat sheet to sliding right past those DMs into her heart (yes this one is for the guys):
Breathe and let her breathe. Don’t be the guy that’s forever saying ‘Hi’ and ‘Hey There’ and still texting every single day. She saw it the first ten times and ignored you, what makes you think today is any different? It’s even worse when you declare your undying love and profess to protect her honour for the rest of your lives. STOP! You have no idea who she really is in person. For all you know I could be a catfish with free Wi-Fi and loads of time on my hands to dupe the peoples of the internet as did Wanja Kavengi for many years. Plus the only place such persistence will get you is embarrassing screenshots on WhatsApp Groups or Kilimani Mums and Dads Uncensored Nairobi.
Okay ma’am how do I go about it then…
The simple most impactful advise I ever got in life is to always be rememberable. Just look at Daenerys Targaryen versus Jon Snow both are amazing characters that have done unbelievable things but when each is first introduced to you who stands out the most? Most of us are comfortable with being average and would rather lay our heads down and go unnoticed than stand out. Being average is a disease, I know Ned Stark encouraged us to stick with the pack but in this case only the lone wolf shall triumph. I have a bit of a loose nut when it comes to chats and most of the times I go from being wildly inappropriate, downright cynic or completely blonde depending on the context, you can probably tell from my Facebook status’ if we’re friends. Most people will scroll past any status but the reputation I have earned online will draw any person that is familiar with my madness to click on read more. Because of this many have asked and will continue to ask, “Grace but why are you like this?” 
If you are stuck on what to talk about rremember that each girl’s timeline is literally the Mwakenya to DM conversation.1000 plus friend/followers is tough competition, start with a witty response to her status made in the DM could be your one line gateway out of the DM. If she comments on a mutual friend’s status respond to her comment if it’s makes sense to respond. Let her associate you with something she already likes and then you can pick up from there later. I can’t tell you how many times I have been engaged in deep conversation with strangers because they shared with me a funny meme about mutura, law or fashion. Mutura today marriage proposal tomorrow.
So I got her to start chatting how do I close the deal?
DM rules demand patience, if you plunge in prematurely your mission could crumble faster than the Greyjoy escape from the Iron Islands. You must build a healthy online relationship that is comfortable and friendly enough to disarm her. She needs to stop seeing right through your intentions because naturally women are more interested in things that they cannot have. This could take years and decades of her being in relationships while you watch before any clear opportunity arises.
Any predator knows that it is best to lay low and only strike at the optimum time in order to kill. (Wapi team mafisi?!) You have one shot and one shot only, use it wisely. Make it simple don’t complicate or make a big deal out of it in fact give her your number and say casually, ‘Hit me up on WhatsApp sometime. Goodnight’. Let the burden be on her to start the conversation on the next platform and don’t check back to see if she got your number and when she will text, desperation reeks from far more than a dead carcass.
The exception to the rule is if you interact with a lass and chat with her consecutively for two whole days without the conversation growing cold. This is when it’s not awkward enough that she has to do the dishes and catch up with a YouTube video first before she thinks of something else to to ask you. You know when you feel like you’ve known each other forever type of conversation. Then and only then can you slip a smooth, Are we gonna talk on DM forever?
From the DM to WhatsApp what do I do next?
Take it offline. Millennial interactions live and die on the internet because we do not attempt to interact outside of it. ‘we should meet up soon’ is the biggest lie today after ‘I agree’ usually checked in a box before accepting any terms and conditions. We are quick to say it rendering it as useless as ‘Penda wewe’ which really does not mean I love you like love love but we say it anyway. We are just as quick to make excuses to not meet up because the question, ‘What do you want to do?’ isn’t really a solid ask. Often the asker isn’t asking with intent but rather just for the sake of it often hoping in their heart you decline and then it be used against you in future. “But I tried asking and you refused”. This literally happened to me yesterday when this failure to launch guy texted me saying, “But we were to date.” I laughed and asked, “Date or go on a date because you never really made any solid plans.” his response ‘Mmmmmh…’ and still made no plans.
The difference between an invitation to treat and an offer is saying to her, ‘We should meet sometime.’ versus sending her that chat asking, “Hey what are you doing on 5th August? Have you heard of BYSS, I thought we could go…together.” *sends link to BYSS Facebook and YouTube page. The art of courtship seems to be lost on this generation we are vague and impatient never  Be ballsy like the men who existed before the 90’s kids were born after all you do not exist on a dedicated wireless connection, she is probably being finessed by five other chaps all trying to get into her lady bits just like you.
See I got you this far I guess we can take up the conversation on first dates some other time, I am also an expert at these. I have shared memories from previous first dates before in this post
As for the rest of you that didn’t make it out keep it moving remember there are relationships that never make it beyond the wall. And just like the friendzone there is a shelf online where you have been sat where girls are comfortable having you as just a familiar stranger with whom they share bits of themselves that they probably don’t like people that exist in their reality. Keep it moving brathe.
Follow this series #30DAYBLOGCHALLENGE this September new post tomorrow.
  • https://thesocialcrazies.wordpress.com/ linda wairegi

    Hahahaha… failure to launch is real especially when he’s too relaxed in the beginning…

    • http://pisces22.com grace alice Ndiege

      I am over such guys!