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BITTER SWEET: TALES OF PASSION & POISON

Nothing is more undoing than riding alone in the back of an Uber after spending the weekend loving a man undeserving of your love. Sitting back there pensive, plotting new ways to make him fall in love you next time. Pretending that it did not hurt you when you heard him make plans with the next her right after dialling a Uber for you.

Disrespecting your time, your precious time paying no mind to the lengths you went to in order to look good for him the previous evening. Forgetting the thigh high slit and red lip that excited his eyes and derriere that warmed his bed. Praying that he will look at you and see just how amazing you are. Realise how lucky he is to have received your attention. How many others in his place have craved just five minutes of your time.

Dawning on you that there need not be another woman for you to be the other woman.

Sitting back left, screaming loudly with your heart at the driver, begging him to stop his mindless chit chat. Fighting the urge to break down then and there. Replaying the previous night’s events when you had to watch without participating. Watch them devour their conversation intimately, laughing flirtatiously and then exchange particulars. Invisible is what you wish to be, right now in the back seat just like you were the previous night.

Watching as he breaks away from you to get a drink for both of you despite his glass being practically full. Full of shit when sets your heart carelessly on the counter-top of your upmarket local next to the younger thottier version of you. You because it was you he had picked you out of all your friends and looked at with the same intensity calculating his agenda. Not noticing that your heart is rolling fast off that counter, that it is made of glass and that glass shatters when it hits the ground. Engrossed in each others auras. Walking back towards you, your invisible self pretending to be interested in the conversation taking place. Pretending not to see him approach you; believing that tongue that he used to betray you. Excusing his actions, they are harmless who knows what he was telling her. It won’t be the first time you are excusing his behaviour; neither will it be the first time you neglect your heart to give into his whims.

How many times have you romanticised your time together. Together but not really because that time is spent accommodating his passive aggressive nature. Half truths define your relationship. Half truths because when you recounted the time spent together to your friends you left out the bit where you sat in a corner by yourself, invisible, ignored…sexy but lurking in his shadow neglected.  Neglecting to divulge the unsexy bits of your rendezvous like when he used his words to tell you the truth about having no intention to pursue a long-term engagement. Truthfully they all watched you enviously  as you slipped into that Range Rover as he held open the door for you not once compromising your elegant poise. They had all sat around you watched you get ready for, wearing your mask beating that face looking forward to hear every detail after. Details of how the two of you sat in that restaurant just the two exclusively relishing each others companies. Him beaming at the exclusive information of your decision to forego underwear that night. Both of you looking forward to ravishing your meals and then each other. Deep down the only ravishing is taking place in your soul. Eating away at the non-exclusivity of your relationship.

That he is just yours for the night and a few hours the next day. Because a man like him cannot be tied down to one woman. A man like him likes to keep it moving regardless of the glass heart that is shattered. A heart that leaves a shell that has to continue living life. A bruised shell that rides in the back of an Uber in solitude. Relying on a stranger to sooth the pain of your bad decisions. Soothe your shell with mundane words that accompany you into that chemist to address that 72 hour emergency. An emergency that this man should have taken part in resolving. Resolving your need to feel wanted. Wanting to belong to each other exclusively. Truths that he confessed with his own tongue which you pretended not to hear and chose to forget. Instead you stare down at your phone pining for him to reach out.

Neglecting your instincts when they tell you not to trust him when he  says he cares about you but does not want to be with just you. To forget how wonderful he made you feel for all of an hour and swallow the bitter pill of rejection right now. Shifting in the backseat of that Uber which he paid for with blood money to put his mind at ease for walking you to his door and not dropping you outside your gate like he used to. Watching that phone light up as his text comes through, “Did you get home alright babes…” you read it in his British accent.

A smile crops up on your face, I can change his mind. I’m sure of it, he will see me and just how beautiful I am. He already tells me that I am smart, surely he should see me as more than just…

Motioning the driver to change location as you remember that negligee set you saw hanging at your favorite lingerie shop.

He will fall in love with me; he has to, how can he not…

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