My heart is at home when my head is in the clouds.
Like most creatives I am consumed by all my feelings in extremes. When I am happy I am over the moon, it is infectious, I beam foolishly and radiate positive energy; I build castles in the air and come up with the most inspired projects. I conjure up all these vibes in the universe and save it for a not so negative day. When I am sad I drown in the sadness, my aura is dark and unwelcoming. I prefer to stay in bed and drown myself in music, K-drama or writing. I could go for days on end without venturing further than the door. I go through equal ups and downs that it is just who I am you just learn to live with me.
Most people love to be loved and get high off the feeling of love from others. I am no different, I am human. I cannot write when I am in love, it is a struggle. I can write when I am consumed with happiness but not by love the pen cannot be inked unless I am bleeding from the heart. The smallest things hurt me, betrayal by friends whom I felt should have been loyal. Just being left out of plans can stir up feelings of resentment and spark a long internal battle with myself. Do I really need to be around people who are inconsiderate of my feelings?
It’s ironic because most of my friends lead highly secretive lives, we are the bestest of friends, they are the most bubbly personalities when you’re around them you think you know everything about them but when you think about it you really know nothing. Whereas I am not the loudest person in public, I shy away from confrontation unless I am in my comfort zone and prefer to reserve my opinions but with my chums I am an open book, so there is often a conflict between us and those phases when I feel excluded but they do not see it as an issue.
The key to happiness I have discovered is living a balanced life. It is finding the in between of spending your time alone and with others; when to hold others in high regard and when to have no expectations of them; when to love and when to be selfish with your heart. It is loving when you need to, laughing when you have to and crying when you don’t want to. In today’s post we explore happiness and how I find mine.
I love to eat! I am a sell out when it comes to food,. If I was to take up a Sponsor it would be for food, my integrity can be compromised when you bring food to the table (literally). How I eat changes depending on my current state of mind as I write this I just left my kibanda where they serve hot food very cheaply and will give second, third and fourth helpings of soup and chapati or ugali. MAISHA SOSA! Eating is therapeutic I eat with a friend when either of us is going through a hard time; I eat alone when I am having an emotional day and I eat noodles as I binge watch K-drama. Food to me heals the soul, good food and great company gives me happiness.
Public transport is both a pain and a pleasure. I love to sit by the window and get lost in a trance. I hate having conversations in public transport of any kind including ubers, it feels like I should be an enigma; people should see me and imagine the kind of life I live without having an idea about the intricacies of it. I have conversations with myself aboard a bus and write many an article that never make it to paper while in transit. I get my weekly dose of music while in the bus, it keeps me out of the clubs too. Some days I think about the whole world some days I think about nothing particular, but when I leave I have saved myself thousands of shillings in alcohol and therapy. Alcohol because you can’t go dancing at a club and sit at an empty table the whole night and I love dancing.
Dancing is the most primal instinct, to just follow a beat with my body without thinking. Letting loose and having the beat control you is insanely beautiful to watch. And I love to be watched when I’m dancing, narcissistic, maybe a little but it is the only time in my existence I feel confident about anything. There’s no time to weigh pros and cons, deliberate whether my life will be changed drastically or if I will look dumb I just dance. Its fascinating because I have been dancing from a very young age. I was always the kid dancing better than teens at their parties; i was part of a church dancing groups in my teens and I never missed entertainment on Saturday night in High School. I am curious which of my parents is the dancer between them, is it my dad or was he too buried in books to care about dancing or is it my mum or was she busy looking after everyone else. I usually suspect that this is how they met, it has to have been somewhere with good music involved otherwise why am I like this?
Writing makes me happy, when I write I am vulnerable. I say things with my heart that I could never confess with my tongue. Kind of like with dancing but with a pen, I am overwhelmed with euphoria, words pour out and overflow creating this stream of insanity that somehow fits together perfectly like a puzzle. I am not the best at interacting with new people often I have been labelled a snub for preferring my own company to that of others. I hide behind loud friends. I have to work a little hard to hold a conversation with a stranger unless we just gel from the onset which is the case with most of my friends but with my words my voice is clear and fearless. Of course my writing does get me in uncomfortable circumstances when people tell me in person that they read a certain post and want to discuss it, it’s just awkward for me because I really do not imagine the faces of anyone that reads my words. I guess it’s my own little adventure.
Adventures shake things up, they give me a form of excitement I can only imagine people experience when they are in love. I escape the mundane reality and immerse myself in something new. That chasing a sunrise or a hunting lion helps me face a difficult week with an extra pep in my step. I remember when I resigned from my previous engagement in search of a new adventure. I had no idea what was next just that it was not law-related. I packed up got on a bus and went to Diani for a week, every morning I woke up to take shots of the sunrise, ate heartily and just lounged by the beach and meditate. I enjoyed every bit the great escape but my heart was heavy I did not know what next but look at me now, fully immersed in something I had relegated to the sidelines for years.
In essence I was on a working holiday, if you haven’t seen it yet you can spot me somewhere in their promotional video here:
**This is Day 5! #30DayBlogChallenge refresh your home page daily to catch the latest post and find other awesome creatives under the same hashtag. today’s challenge Happiness, what is your secret.