Love is the fuel that drives my passion I’ve said it before that when I love I love fiercely. And when the time comes for me to walk away I do so without hesitation. It hurts, but its necessary. As expected the most memorable songs in my life are driven by passion and love.
In 2011 a couple of months beforeI started this blog I had been obsessed with The Script. I had just walked away from a two year relationship with my best friend,walked away from this thing had been brewing since primary school. It was hard to explain to everyone including this person that you so deeply love that there is no reason why you are leaving except that where your life is heading he couldn’t come. We were inseparable, it was us against the world, my mum had tried but we fought hard for each other. My cousin had been teasing me all along, ‘Mtaachana tu’ and this statement alone made me want to be with him even more. Everyone and their mother knew we were dating and suddenly I wanted out.
It made no sense but I needed something different and we were comfortable. If you know me you know I like to shake things up, dream big and then make those dreams come true. But for a certain period towards the end I wanted different things and I knew he would not welcome the change. When you want something badly for so long but that thing becomes complacent and you no longer feel like you are growing, no longer living, no longer dreaming then you are no longer yourself. I could no longer recognise myself away from this person.We were one and I was young there was still so much of myself I did not know.
He is a great guy, the girl who eventually gets married to him is extremely blessed. I have never quite had any other relationship like that one. To date he is probably one of the three people I can trust with my life.
While it may have seemed to many people that I threw away a good thing and walked away unscathed the opposite is true. For 3 months after I ended things I came home everyday blasted The Script in my headphones and cried myself to sleep, every single day. This was the hardest decision I ever had to make at that point in my life. It all started with Breakeven and then I went down the rabbit hole of their self titled album and then Science & Faith. I sang each of their songs with my heart and tears until one day I just stopped put it away and I never quite listened to them for a while before Hall of Fame came out. To this date, I can’t listen to Breakeven, Nothing, The Man Who Can’t be Moved, If You Ever come Back, For the First Time and Before the Worst without cringing. It was healing. The irony of life while is that while these 3 Irish men saved me from myself it took one half Irish man to plunge me right back into the darkness.
Fast forward 2013 right after my sister’s wedding when I was going through an all time high. My energies were positive, I was happy and felt confident. This is when I met him, well more like he met me and plunged me into his world of mystery. He was a wild card, a sly mixed-race gent with a silver tongue that was my undoing. This foreigner wound me up more than a cassette in the 60’s. Loving him was as passionate as hating him but I discovered myself in this time with him than I ever have in my life. He tested my boundaries and was unapologetic about it. We already introduced him on Day 3 in the BITTERSWEET TALES: PASSION & POISON.
Two songs come to mind when I think of him at this particular time when we met. Easy to Love -Bucie ft. Heavy K which played on the night we met at the culmination of Strut It Africa Fashion Week. South African House was at its peak this season and this song had been played a lot on the runways all of that week. He saw me on his way out and figured I belonged to the land of his father and thus beginning. It didn’t matter where he took me, this song always seemed to be playing in the background. Be it that he whisked me off to dinner in Naivasha or a Sunday night at Sailors it somehow always found its way into a playlist near us. When I close my eyes I can picture him leading me into an upmarket club with loads of smoke effect to join his friends. He was only in the country a few nights at a time and we were obsessed just as much as we were repulsed by each other. It is how Pisces & Scorpios are, the best match, says the zodiac and I believed it those first few months.
It didn’t matter which country he woke up in and what time it was here but if he wanted to speak to me he would call. I remember on many nights possibly after a night full of alcohol and debauchery on a long distance call he would often call for an hour and say,
“Are you asleep babes?…You know I’m not a good person innit but you’re a good girl Grace.”
and then he spoke to me incoherently in his father’s language and I stayed on the phone with him until he was fast asleep and snoring and I had to start my day on this end. During one such call in 2015 I couldn’t keep track of whether he was in the US, London or Dubai he called me up and asked if I had any plans for Valentines Day before hanging up. The next day he turned up, home to me for Valentines. He has always been like that barging in and leaving as he pleases, I lived for the uncertainty. We would be away from each other for months but we would still be bound.
Which leads me to my second ‘our song’.
Hold On- Drake just like Easy to Love was everywhere. It defined who we were around each other me the good girl him the typical bad boy. It didn’t help that we spent most nights downing bottles of whiskey back then it was Jameson or Johnnie Double Black eventually we graduated to Jack Daniels which I still prefer to date; shots of tequila always Jose Guevo never Camino and cigarettes. He smoked, I sat with him when he smoked. The smell of him was intoxicating just like his personality and he was eccentric in every sense of the word but this is how people are when they are bipolar, or at least that’s what I think. Just like it is depicted in the video I was the good girl who got caught up in bad situations and he had his way of getting me out of them. With him I could act without hesitation because there was always that sense of assurance around him. I am the most indecisive person I know but he was always patient never really rushed me to make a choice when he the better choice was obvious to him. And when I finally made a decision after being conflicted he never once doubted that I would not excel. My greatest cheerleader even when he did not understand what exactly I was going on about.
Like he never really told me I should go to Law School to get my post-grad Diploma but he sat and listened to me weigh it out until I made up my mind and looked relieved when I chose to go. And on the day when I finished my last exam, he called to say ‘Mabrouk. I knew you would make it Darling!’ and when my results came in and I hadn’t passed two papers, ‘But you passed the other 7 that is amazing!’ Every so often wanting to know, Are you a full lawyer now? When it was tough I had a shoulder to lean on; when I was scared I had someone to protect me and when I wanted to be stubborn about a circumstance he always put things in perspective forcing me to think objectively. He was bad to the bone but not once did I ever feel like he didn’t want the best for me when it came to pursuing my dream. Of course it was not all rosy, I did suffer a lot of lectures, boy is he good at this. Quite recently I pulled him away from his friends to drive me home after I got too inebriated to drive and I got an earful for being irresponsible. Why did go to the club alone, no less with strangers that you picked up from god knows where that could have drugged you no less? Just like old times, me doing dumb shit and him having to take care of me and just like old times he made sure I was fed and safe.
I still get a sense of nostalgia when I hear those two songs and laugh at how wound up I was. You truly do live to learn.
It’s not all pain and pleasure when it comes to my music I have amazing memories from songs I just tell some stories better than others. Take it from my childhood there’s a couple of songs that take me back; In the Summertime – Shaggy, Heads High – Mr Vegas while currently The Chainsmokers have the same effect that the Script had back then only that they make me experience a different kind of love, one for adventure. I listen to Chainsmokers and think waking up at 4 a.m. open road, freedom, love and laughter without associating it with anyone but my own heart and a breathtaking sunrise. That said, don’t be surprised if you find me hunched over thoroughly dissecting the lyrics to a Konshens song… I once tried to learn the lyrics to his Walk n Wine unsuccessfully.
**Day 8 Music: pick 3 favourite & tell us how they make you feel. Make sure you’re back here tomorrow for a new post #30DayBlogChallenge Leave a comment below I want to know which songs are faves and why.
By the way good people you are allowed to drop comments, a few people asked if all they were supposed to do is just read.